Why I Hate the Red Sox

Before coming to Dartmouth, I always thought that the idea of a sports “nation” had to be some kind of joke. Like the mythical “Evil Empire,” I just assumed that Red Sox Nation was something Larry Lucchino or some other loud-mouthed bureaucrat in the Boston front office had made up. After all, who would claim to hail from a nation whose cursed namesake is synonymous with futility? Imagine living in a country that has been losing the same war for 86 years, without ever really winning a battle. Such a place could hardly inspire the fanaticism rumored to characterize the Red Sox faithful. Given these preconceptions, I had reason to doubt that I would be entering enemy territory in coming to Hanover.

Clearly, I was mistaken.

As anyone who has had the pleasure of watching the last year’s playoffs in the comfort of the Collis center will no doubt have realized, we go to school in a strange land inhabited by (with all apologies to the battery-wielding Phanatics of Philadelphia) the most ridiculous baseball fans in the world. At no time was this truth more evident than during game seven of last year’s ALCS. Even those not present at Collis that night will recall the Red Sox’s fast start, Grady Little’s managerial skill, and Aaron “F” Boone’s heroic homerun (which I called, by the way). But what you missed by watching the game in your dorm was witnessing the entirety of the Red Sox nation descend on Collis after the fourth inning to celebrate in its typically premature fashion by trash talking to the three Yankees fans in the building.

Of course, the Red Sox inevitably lost. Disrespect the Bambino and you get burned. When all was said and done, another “B” had been added to the holy trinity of Bambino, Bucky, and Buckner. I was celebrating like the obnoxious Yankee fan I am, and all of Red Sox nation was proclaiming this a “bad day for baseball.” A bad day for baseball? That night baseball fans across the country witnessed yet another glorious chapter in the history of the greatest rivalry in all of sports. In what sense is that bad?

Hopeless are those Red Sox fans who’ve already been succored into the Nation’s cult. Some reasonable baseball fans, however, might want a realistic picture of the baseball landscape. It is for these truth seekers that I dispel the myth created by one of the Nation’s elders that the Yankees constitute an “Evil Empire.”

Never has a more idiotic and hypocritical lie been perpetrated by someone in a baseball front office. Never mind that Larry Luccino said it in response to the Yankees signing Jose Contreras. Yes, Contreras chose to come to the Yankees for a little bit more money. He also was about as effective as a batting practice pitcher against the Red Sox. Notoriously hard to deal with, Contreras spent a big chunk of this season at single-A Tampa before being traded for the equally ineffective Esteban Loiza. Think the Red Sox would have been able to pull off the deal for Curt Schilling this off-season if they had been burdened with Jose’s fat contract? I doubt it.

Clearly, one Jose Contreras does not an Evil Empire make. Yet, the myth continues to be perpetuated to cover up for Red Sox incompetence (last year’s botched attempt at acquiring Alex Rodriguez comes to mind). Don’t blame the Yankees for making a trade to improve their team. Blame Larry Luccino and his over-sized ego for bungling negotiations with the Players Association. If John Henry had any idea the Yankees would end up with Rodriguez, he, too, would have certainly sucked it up and swallowed A-Rod’s contract. There are always two players in an arms race. Would it have been somehow “better” for baseball if A-Rod had ended up with the Red Sox than the Yankees? Of course not. Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks’ initial agreement to pay A-Rod $250 million was bad for baseball. Stingy, billionaire owners like Twins owner Carl Pohlad are bad for baseball. The Yankees are just successful.

When I was growing up as a baseball fan in the early 90’s the Yankees were horrendous. No one was calling them evil then, and they certainly weren’t an empire. That description would have been more aptly placed on a team like the Blue Jays, who dominated the AL East before the strike. They won back-to-back World Series, drew four million fans to Sky Dome, and on one occasion picked their entire starting line up for the All-Star Game. No one would even think of calling them an evil empire now. The success the Yankees enjoy now is a direct result of the hard work and intelligent strategy of King George, Brian Cashman, and the rest of the Yankees organization. All their success has been earned.

So take heart Red Sox nation. You have the second highest payroll in the league, more resources than any team minus one, and a great, young GM; and your well-built team, though lacking in class, will futilely strive to bring a World Series to Bean Town. I assure you that the Yankees will not go on winning division crowns every year from now until eternity. I am just as sure of that as I am that 1918 will continue to be my favorite 4-digit number and the Yankees will always be Pedro’s daddy.