An '08's somewhat insightful reflection on Homecoming

As a wide-eyed, wet-behind-the-ears freshie, I had heard many claims of ambiguous veracity about Dartmouth Homecoming. And so, in the storied tradition of investigative journalism, I endeavored to dispel as many of these myths as possible during my first ever Homecoming. I present them to you here, refuted, in chronological order.

Ahem…

Myth: Dartmouth is characterized by sobriety and continence during Homecoming (did you know a full one in five Dartmouth students abstains from alcohol?). It’s a low-key affair replete with lighthearted games of Parcheesi and plenty of Juicy Juice.
Reality: I’ve been told this was not the case for most, but I still have some Juicy Juice left over if you are thirsty.

Myth: Homecoming begins on Friday.
Reality: Give no credence to this lie. Homecoming rages to life Wednesday night, and, if done properly, does not end until, say, 3pm the following Monday.

In reality, however, Wednesday and Thursday were just a sort of “pregaming,” as it were, for Friday night truly kicked off the real orgy of Green apparel and Keystone Light that is Dartmouth Homecoming. I use the term “night” in the loosest sense here, of course, more to the effect of “as soon as class ended” or to reflect the perpetual state of “black-out” experienced by many students. Before the bottles and my fellow ‘08s had dried out, however, the Freshman Sweep was upon us. Painted up and bedecked in green, a burgeoning über-shmob marched up Choate Road drawing us in like so many Ivy League Bravehearts. Trying (and failing) to take it all in, I could only smile and shout the Alma Mater as a sea of townies and alums washed by.

After an interminable interlude, punctuated by choruses of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” and “The Roof is on Fire,” President Wright delivered a rousing and unintelligible speech, and the bonfire blazed (lamentably sending the TDI sign up in flames at the same time). As sad as I was to see the sign ignite, this pyromaniac’s dream allowed me to test yet more alleged truths…

Myth: Freshmen have to run around the bonfire 2,008 times.
Reality: Are you stupid? That’s like fifty billion miles. Nonetheless, with speed rarely seen outside chug-offs, the pea-green freshmen rushed around the structure 8, 16, 54, or 108 times, “gently” encouraged by their friends in the upper-classes.

Myth: In order to be cool and have lots of friends, one must touch the fire.
Reality: It hurts to touch fire, and also, to get arrested. Even if you don’t touch the fire, you are a beautiful person inside. Note, however, that this only applies to the class of 2008. Members of the class of 2009 who do not touch the fire will never get laid… ever.
[Editor’s Note: Despite the author’s claims that no members of the class of 2008 were obligated to touch the fire, they remain the worst class ever.]

Myth: According to certain slanderous claims, 2008 is the “worst class ever.”
Reality: This fabrication can only be seen as a product of the insecurity of the heckling upperclassmen; the numbers clearly indicate 2008 to be the best class ever in terms of SAT scores, sexual prowess, and general sweetness.

After a quick shower (54 laps of soot and sweat can cramp one’s style), fellow contributing writers and I found dance party madness at such many and varied establishments as Sigma Nu, Kappa Kappa Kappa, Chi Gamma Epsilon, and Phi Delta Alpha (the chronological order of which eludes me). Certainly though, I had never seen this influx of Dartmouth students and alums in any of my previous weekends here, and a high time was had by all.

After a sufficiently belated wakeup on Saturday morning, I found myself—and the Dartmouth football team—in much, much better shape than I had expected. For reasons unrelated to questionable admissions decisions, I had an ardent desire to see the Green smear the Crimson in what would easily be the best football game I’ve ever attended.

Myth: Dartmouth football is terrible this year.
Reality: Did I say “myth”? Seriously though, with a few kicks better-aimed and a few referees better-acquainted with the rules of football, Dartmouth’s chances for an amazing upset over Harvard would not have been thwarted.

On that note…

Myth: Harvard University is a fine research institution that ranks among the foremost in the world and touts an undefeated football team.
Reality: Harvard sucks.

The men’s hockey game later that night was a comparable travesty, as the Green fell to Quinnipiac despite outshooting them 45-11. Despite the loss, I enjoyed the game and the ever-present Dartmouth spirit (“Bull-shit! Bull-shit!” is easily my new favorite chant). Ironically, I had not been a hockey fan since I moved north from Florida in 9th grade, but I plan to change that now.

Basically, I can’t think of anywhere else I’d have rather been on Saturday night than Dartmouth College. The parties at Sigma Phi Epsilon and Tabard were probably the best I’ve seen here (my roommate and I sported our finest disco-themed apparel). And, at the end of the night, back in the dorm, I will always remember - with the friends I will have for the rest of my life - that Dartmouth College is the best place I could possibly spend the next four years. Even if the following night had not been celebrated with “Trick or Shot,” Homecoming would have been the best weekend of my brief college experience. So now, forever an ‘08, whenever I return to Dartmouth, I can truly call it coming home. And on that note, I will dispel one final myth…

Myth: All of Homecoming weekend is absolutely a blast.
Reality: Not Sunday morning.