DDS, taking the culinary desires of Dartmouth sophisticates to heart, recently introduced “Il Panino,” a dining facility consisting of sandwich materials and two grilles (that may or may not also be waffle makers), to the Dartmouth gourmet scene. Students seem to have responded favorably, as delicious sandwiches and false advertising (not actually a product of Italy as the name would have you believe) tend to be a winning combination for college students. But aside from offering students a healthy sandwich option in the time it would normally take to make five healthy sandwich options, does Il Panino really provide students with a healthier, tastier quasi-ethnic lunch alternative?

On the matter of health, I’m not sure if it is healthier than other lunches. I don’t really care. There seemed to be more vegetables.

On the matter of taste, I turned to a panel of resident panini experts. Andrew Kempler ’08, who ordered the Philly Beef (named for the small Tuscan village of Philadelphia from where it originated), described it as a delicious panoply of taste sensations, in which the onions “really complement the beef.” He later amended his opinion, though, with, “There’s really too much sauce and too many peppers” and, “When I try new foods I get Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This is really playing havoc on my stomach.” The panino was left unfinished. The author found it zesty, if overstated. Doug Raicek ’08, an expert in the culinary arts and being 6 feet away from me while I wrote this, raved, “It’s good. It’s good food. That’s all.” Finally, no evaluation of an “Italian” “restaurant” would be complete without the clearly more legitimate opinion of an authentic Italian like Jared Westheim ’08, who characterized Il Panino as, “I’m Jewish, and I’ve never eaten there.”

Other menu items didn’t fare quite as well. For example, the oft-employed “buffalo chicken” flavoring did not translate well into an edible panini, much like how it doesn’t translate well into an edible anything that DDS offers. Of course, this was exacerbated by the sweet, sweet taste of disappointment following a needlessly long wait.

More time equals better product? Not in this cruelly capitalistic society, where even once-struggling panini stands devoted only to making a quality toasted sandwich in the same loving way Grandpa Panino made them for eighty years have become cash-hungry corporate sellouts with only a thought for the bottom line. I’m not implying that this is the case for Il Panino, but if you’re reading this I implore you: remember your roots. Always remember your roots.

On the plus side, service is held to rigorous standards: I overheard another patron being told, “With you standing right here, I can’t spit in your sandwich or anything.” As with DDS at large, quality counts here.

So what’s the verdict? As a native speaker of Italian 1, I think that I’m qualified to recommend Il Panino to all Dartmouth students as the College’s premier panini-based lunch experience. With each panino hand-toasted on white bread and made with only the freshest frozen ingredients, Il Panino offers so much more than, say, Collis, which is a just a piece of crap in general. And of course, if you want to warm up in a strictly metaphorical way on these chilly winter days, remember Andrew’s informed observation: “All the hot girls eat at Home Plate.”