Dazzled by mega-stars such as Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Julia Roberts, critics haven’t been able to deter their eyes, or keep their mouths shut about Mike Nichol’s new film, Closer. In addition to yapping critics, the film has attained the implicit approval of this fine publication’s editorial board, or at least the approval of those on the Board who have actually seen it. With all due respect to critics and superior staff members alike, I feel compelled to clarify that Closer is actually awful.

Most apparent is the film’s insipid and uninspired plot. The story begins with Dan (Jude Law) and Alice (Natalie Portman) experiencing relationship problems when Dan falls in love with Anna (Julia Roberts), who spurns his advances. Through a naughty practical joke, Dan introduces Larry (Clive Owen) to Anna, and they soon fall in love. Four months later, Dan and Anna have an affair, and Anna and Larry get married. Next, Dan leaves Alice for Anna, who leaves Larry for Dan, and then Anna cheats on Dan with Larry and Larry gets his revenge on Dan by having sex with Alice, who has reverted back to her pre-Dan stripping ways.

Confused yet? Disappointingly, the only purpose this tragic love quadrangle serves is to emphasize the utter cruelty of humanity. Not the most mind-blowing stuff.

It can be argued that Closer intentionally provides a deep character study of four distinct personalities rather than a complicated and exciting story. Each of the main characters illustrates a different approach to love and forgiveness. The film also explores issues relevant to everyday relationships, such as the appropriateness of honesty and kindness in different social situation. With more sympathetic and varied characters, Closer could have been an insightful and thought-provoking movie; however, none of the characters inspire sympathy. It’s simply hard to care about their woes or mull over their ethical dilemmas.

The pseudo-intellectual issues presented in the movie are further trivialized through the dialogue itself. By using sex as the dominating issue of focus, the film intends to shock the viewer into realizing that these sex-centered situations can be applied to reality. It’s an interesting point, but one that becomes difficult to take seriously. In my very favorite scene, for example, Larry learns that Anna has been sleeping with Dan and demands to know the specifics of their sexual repertoire. When Anna reveals that she has fellated Dan, Larry asks, “How does he taste?” to which Anna smartly replies, “Just like you, only sweeter!”

Oh, zing.

Sure, it’s interesting to think about the importance of honesty over kindness in relationships, but come on. There must be a less obscenely distracting method of addressing the issue.

What was meant to be thought provoking only ends up being repulsive. Perhaps the fact that I saw Closer with my 15-year-old brother, Jimmy (Jimmy drains the sexy from any good bit of naughtiness), attributed to this view, but I have never seen a movie so focused on sex turn out to be so uncomfortably un-sexy.

The only positive aspects of this awful film are Jude Law half-naked and Natalie Portman mostly naked (both actually sexy). And the part where, when in an “Adults Only” online chatroom, Jude Law asks Clive Owen to “wear his wet knickers” (a giggle worthy moment, despite the limited sex appeal).

Ultimately, though, Closer amounts to nothing more than a pseudo-intellectual film with unappealing, somewhat evil characters who further the tedious plot by making one another miserable. Take a closer look at this lifeless erotic drama? I’d rather not.