An operative's look inside Dartmouth's secret societies

This document was originally commissioned one year ago by senior officials within the Dartmouth Counter-Secret-Society Society. The Society is a clandestine organization designed to monitor and counter the activities of Dartmouth’s secret societies, which are believed to reach into the highest levels of geopolitics and global finance. Membership in the Society is selective, and Society members are held to a strict code of secrecy.

One year ago, the Society concluded that its intelligence platform was inadequate, and commissioned a comprehensive survey of known secret societies, their methods and capabilities. They sent a freshly-recruited operative into deep cover and instructed him to record all secret society-related intelligence in a private journal. Salient portions of his journal are reproduced here.

Under normal circumstances, the general public would not have access to this document, as it is, like all Counter-Secret-Society Society documents, highly classified. However, Society officials have recently uncovered evidence of a ‘mole’ - an anti-Counter-Secret-Society Society spy, probably commissioned by one of the secret societies themselves - somewhere within the chain of command. They have therefore been left with little choice but to acknowledge the Society’s existence, and release this document to the public at large before the mole can do so him- or herself.

Operative’s log
September 29, 2004
0300 hours

Counter-Secret-Society Society induction. Learn of Society’s mission: to monitor and counter the activities of Dartmouth’s secret societies, clandestinely and while shielding knowledge of the Society’s existence from the public.

0410 hours

Society-mandated ‘Paddle of Loyalty’ psychological warfare program to discourage secret society counter-operatives. Learn Society secret chant, handshake.

November 12, 2004
1720 hours

“Ignorant freshman” alibi working as planned. True identity as covert operative/member of super-secret Counter-Secret-Society Society not suspected.

Have completed basic reconnaissance of Dartmouth’s secret societies. Dartmouth is host to several secret societies. Most societies take on the names of mythical animals. “Sphinx,” “Dragon” believed to house male members; “Phoenix,” “Cobra” house female members. (Relationship of mythic “Cobra” creature to real-life cobra not yet determined.) “Griffin,” “Abaris,” “Fire & Skoal” are coeducational secret societies. (“Skoal” may have linguistic relation to mythic “Sandworm” creature of Dune and/or Tremors.)

December 2, 2004
1810 hours

After extensive reconnaissance, have located sports jacket for Counter-Secret-Society Society barbecue and bequests ceremony. Have reminded self not to let excitement of being in super-cool Society cause self to blow cover and/or jeopardize Society’s secrecy.

January 17, 2005
2350 hours

Almost told Don about Society when drunk. Don suspects nothing, but must exercise more discipline. Remember the Society Code!

March 14, 2005
1930 hours

Have obtained supplemental information on location of secret societies’ physical plants:

Sphinx founded 1885. Present building constructed in 1903 by local architect William Butterfield; example of “Egyptian Revival” architecture, as with many Masonic lodges of that time. Building located on north East Wheelock street (across street from and west of Alumni Gymnasium).

Dragon founded 1898. Present building constructed 1996 after previous building was in the way of Baker-Berry expansion. Current location: on east side of College street, north of heart of campus, directly across from McLaughlin Cluster construction.

Cobra founded 1978. Current building is south of main campus, in Dartmouth-owned former Hillel house at corner of South Park and Summer streets.

Phoenix (1984); Griffin (1995) and Abaris (1996) not believed to have physical plants.

April 6, 2005
1520 hours

Counter-Secret-Society Society pong tourney an unqualified disaster for Society intelligence community, which has temporarily disbanded until it is less hung over. Intelligence community’s eyes hurt. On plus side, intelligence community went 3-2.

Upon returning from tourney, roommate inquired about slurred speech, erratic movements. To avoid revealing Society’s existence, concocted elaborate “sleeping sickness” story. Roommate responded that tsetse flies not native to Hanover. Alibi wearing thin?

May 11, 2005
0500 hours

This will be my last entry into this journal.

This morning at approximately 0200 hours I was conducting routine reconnaisance of Dragon. Seeing activity within the building, I took up a position within the adjacent bushes. At 0410 hours, a security breach gave me the opportunity put my ear up to the side door. I found what I heard surprising: rather than hushed conversation between Dragon members and the President, or captive aliens, I heard only rap music and loud, drunken voices.

To all appearances, Dragon members, far from engaging in world-threatening covert behavior, are simply duplicating the “fraternity” paradigm, only within a framework of elaborate secrecy.

I have been forced to conclude that secret societies do not actually function as power centers for an elaborate, clandestine shadow government. Rather, they may be shrouded in secrecy for secrecy’s own sake. It would appear that very little goes on within the societies themselves; but the thrill of having other students not know what that very little is is why the societies continue to exist.

I am well aware that this conclusion calls into question the usefulness of a Counter-Secret-Society Society. As such, it makes my continued membership within the Society untenable. An operative who no longer believes in the importance of Dartmouth’s secret societies cannot be trusted to treat Society business with the requisite seriousness. As such, I am resigning from the Counter-Secret-Society Society, effective immediately. I will turn in my operative’s wind-up beanie and SuperSoaker at the soonest available opportunity.

Society officials with further questions can find me in the AD basement.