The first in a series documenting TDI's biggest pet peeves

Many people, especially men, don’t how to chew properly. I think it's because they've never really given it much thought. They don't chew correctly, not in the way that a young child doesn't play chess correctly, but in the way that a busy executive doesn't zip up his fly correctly before an important board meeting. What these people need is a gentle, impersonal reminder, preferably in the form of an approximately 800-word article. The present article might, in fact, be the perfect forum. Nevertheless, I am hesitant to write a "how-to" article on chewing. I don't want to be one of those writers who pretend to be annoyed at some trifling little thing so that they can get all shrill and self-righteous about it. These writers--the kind that use "I mean, seriously" to reinforce the veracity of their points--try to make exaggerated annoyance sound like hip cultural commentating. Instead, they sound like manic idiots. I mean, seriously.

So, I'm afraid of falling into that trap with this article. But I'm not as afraid of that as I am of eating with you, if you're the type of person who needs to read this article. The company of a loud, thoughtless chewer with, say, a Philly Cheese Steak in hand is so unpleasant that I have to take any chance I can to be of help.

So, here are three simple rules for chewing. They are less a guide to the biomechanics of chewing than a reminder to treat chewing as something to do well. If you can keep these three rules (or even one of them) in your mind as you eat, you'll be completely fine from a chewing perspective, and can then move on to trying to be a decent and reasonably happy human being.

1. Notice the sounds you are making.

I think the problem with loud chewers is that the sound of food being smacked around in their mouths does not bother them, so they've never given it much thought. I have run into this problem many times, but at Dartmouth I can remember two instances most distinctly. One was in the lounge in Collis: a fellow sat down next to me and started eating a meatball sub so loudly that all other noise faded away, and I was carried on a wave of hideous sound. Had his skull casing exploded from the amplitude of the sound or the enormous forces his mouth was exerting on itself, I may not have been shocked; certainly I could not have been more disgusted.

The second instance was less loud, but more novel. It occurred near the other one, on the ramp between Collis and Robo. I was walking towards Thayer, when another young man came from around the corner and headed straight for me. He was walking quickly, and eating something--I never saw what--by moving his jaw rapidly up and down while baring his teeth. It produced the most extraordinary sound, which I am at a loss to reproduce here. He walked right past me, chewing like the devil probably speaks, and was on his way. He caused a six-car pileup near the stoplight. No, that's not true.

The problem here is not biomechanics--I have talked to Teeth-Bare-Man, and he is soft-spoken and articulate. It's a simple lack of attention to the sound produced by their eating. In the same way that my roommate (Nat Grainger--facebook him!) absentmindedly scratches his crotch at all times, many people chew loudly without ever thinking about it.

So, if you think you may have a chewing problem (do people hate to be around you and you can't figure out why?), try tuning into your mouth the next time you eat. You may be surprised to hear it making wet, disgusting noises. If it is, make the noises stop (it's easy!) and chew like that for as long as you can. Work on it in successive meals. Think of it like working out. The positive results will probably be more dramatic, at least if the people you're trying to impress are, well, me.

2. Concentrate especially on difficult foods.

If you are really committed to improving your chewing (only slightly more difficult then going for that pledge term 4.0), you'll need to pay special attention to certain foods. Don't be negative about these foods, though--they can serve as reminders to pay attention to your eating, just like seeing the homeless reminds us to lock our doors at night.

In my experience, Jell-O is the hardest food to eat tactfully, followed closely by bananas and mashed potatoes. Other difficult foods are soups, pastas and creamy solids such as puddings. Chewing gum, while not technically a food (or is it? I'm no etymologist), is a "red-flag" chewing item, as well.

3. Whatever you do, don't open your mouth when you chew.

This is really the cardinal rule of chewing. Just follow this one and you should be fine. The problem is that it's easy to forget in the heat of the moment, especially if you have a lifetime's sloppy eating habits behind you. Maybe I can turn it into a mantra of sorts:

“Don't open your mouth when you chew. There's a bomb inside your mouth and it will explode if it's exposed to the air outside. It only tastes like food. It's a bomb. Don't open your mouth when you chew. There's also a spider trying to get inside your mouth and lay eggs in your cheek, like that one kid's horror story you read. Don't let him in! Don't open your mouth when you chew! Don't open your mouth when you chew!”

By the way, I'm not talking about opening your mouth when there's food in it; this can be done tactfully, as when someone tucks a bit of food into his cheek to articulate an urgent point. I'm only talking about letting your lips part in the physical act of chewing. If you don't do this, you're fine. If you do, I guarantee you're disgusting those around you. Well, actually, I can't guarantee that. But I will guarantee that you should be. You know, if they're cultured and all.

So, I hope you find this helpful. And I hope we sit together someday, and it's cool.

Good luck!