Dear Al Sharpton,

Hey, what are you doing in New Hampshire again, buddy? Harlem not quite the winter wonderland this time of year? That’s ok, we’ve got plenty of snow—maybe even enough to match our insatiable desire for political correctness. Now, we know that’s not your cup of tea, but Jesse Jackson declined our invite and Louis Farrakhan wanted to be paid in bowties, so here you are. You even got a pretty good crowd to hear you come out and bash George W. and wonder when government got so incompetent. But you didn’t come to Dartmouth to debate emergency response and smoke hookah with the rock climbing club, you came to enhance your political fortunes. Mayoral, Senatorial, Presidential: these races haven’t gone too well for you. But Al, you’re still in the game - that’s more than Michael Dukakis can say for himself! It isn’t going to be an easy ride, but with a few simple changes, 2008 may be the year that a black man makes a run at the White House.

1. Get a better haircut

Al, let’s face it, if you want to win a political office you’re gonna have to drop the ‘80s James Brown hairdo and go with something more conventional. Sure, John Kerry got pretty close with his gaulist coiffure, but so did Al Gore, television industry failure (hey, maybe he can take your place on your aborted sitcom “Al in the Family”?). You need something a little more Brit Hume and a little less Louis the XIV. A new barber? Why don’t you ask Larry King? He might not be classically handsome, but at least he gets TV time more than once every four years.

2. Form a political party

We know the Democrats have been good to you, but Al, it’s time to move on. Sure the Democratic Party is a big tent, but you’re an entire circus. You deserve your own show, and I’m not talking about the kind that airs on BET. Whitey political strategist wants to cut your television feed at the national convention? No worries, it’s your party; you can talk until Alan Keyes wins a Senate seat if you want to.

3. Date a celebrity

Tawna Bradley still haunting you? Nothing better to distract the public from a past scandal than the surefire scandal that will accompany celebrity romance. Halle Berry not your type? We hear Queen Latifah has a new film coming out. You’ve promoted with Don King, why not move into film? It would be the greatest manager-artist love affair since Celine Dion’s. And who didn’t love the Titanic song?

4. Go back to your roots

No presidential campaign is complete with out endless speeches reflecting on the candidate’s down-home upbringing. So why don’t you quit this whole wannabe-Will Smith act and go back to what you do best: preaching. You were smoking up the preaching circuit before you got out of Pampers, but now that you’re heading back into your diaper days, it might be time to relive those youthful moments—only this time with national flair. How about preach-off with Pat Robertson? Or a bout on “Celebrity Boxing” with Jesse Jackson? You’ll show who packs the punch to be the real leader of the black community. And besides, your old friend Don King would love to get in on the action. Sharpton at 4-1 means money for us all.

Good luck Al. You can thank us with FEMA appointments later.

Sincerely,
TDI

p.s. Mel Brooks called, he wants his fake mustache back