In a world of Paris Hiltons, designer jeans, and clothing for small yappy dogs (can someone please explain this to me?), coming out into society is less about a cotillion or debutante ball, and more about passing into the high society of Facebook, where “netiquette” is the social code of conduct. The internet may seem boundless, but the standards of etiquette in use for decades have not completely disappeared, only changed their guise. In fact, quite a few of the age-old social standards have survived the transition from hand-written letter to e-mail, and Facebook is no exception. In this post-News-Feed world, we now, more than ever, need a codified set of Facebook standards of conduct.

The first step in any young adult’s foray into the world of the Facebook is the creation of a profile. Entering one’s name and birthday is simple enough, but then one finds the prompts for “activities,” “interests,” and “favorites.” All of the sudden, the aspiring socialite is forced to qualify his interests, designate preferences in music, literature, TV and movies, and describe himself in a three-inch text box.

At first, the overeager student (read: freshman) will fall victim to her own enthusiasm and post a list of every book that she has ever read, every band that she has ever heard and/or heard of, a quote from every Will Ferrell movie, and a play-by-play of her bowel movements down to the second. Surprisingly, many people on Facebook do not care about these details of your life, so try to avoid the Facebook overshare. Along with this phenomenon (again, usually manifested in The Freshman), comes the opposite extreme: the profile that includes a picture, a name, one or two esoteric interests, an inside joke, some big words, and a quote from a book that YOU haven’t read.

If The Freshman is guilty of telling too much, then this Facebook type, The Sweet Kid, is guilty of telling too little. By trying to appear to be “above the system,” he is simply buying into Facebook’s social politicking even more than his overzealous friend. Such a blatant concentration of one’s personality shows that much more effort was put into the construction of this profile than into the loquacious profile of the beginner. The oft-painstaking process of creating a Facebook profile does not have to be a burden if one avoids the extremes of The Freshman and The Sweet Kid, and realizes that “favorite book” does not ask you to list every book that you have ever read since Pat the Bunny, but also does not ask you to respond with Ulysses by James Joyce unless that really is your favorite book.

Once the profile is complete, one is given the chance to add friends. Again, one must to make judgment calls on what exactly constitutes a “friend,” and when it is acceptable to send someone a friend request. Again, use moderation and common sense here. The first canon law of friending: DO NOT FRIEND PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW. OK, maybe you both like Snow Patrol, or both live in Gile, but that doesn’t mean that you are friends on the internet or in that scary place called the real world. Generally speaking, if you have a relationship with someone where you could walk up to her without introduction and have a conversation, then it is kosher to be Facebook friends with her. So friend the person from your Bio class whom you studied with, but don’t friend all 187 people registered for the class. Friend the kids you met at Dimensions, but don’t friend every person in the class of 2010 (you know who you are). If you aren’t sure where you stand (i.e. you met totally waaaasted ohemgee at Phi Delt, but you remember that you had a really deep conversation), then send a message like, “Hey, What’s up? Great time smashing beer cans on our respective faces last night, huh?” The great thing about the Facebook message is that it is not as direct as blitz, yet less sketchy than friending someone and never speaking of your one-night dome contest ever again.

As far as friending hook-ups… I say go for it. If you are close enough to someone to suck face with him or her, then what is wrong with being his or her facebook friend? Being a facebook friend doesn’t mean that you are waiting for your paramour to pop the question; it just sends a message that says, “Hey, yeah, maybe we had sex, but we don’t need to be awkward about it.” Even if you are...awkward...yeah.

Once you have friends, the realm of The Wall is opened up. The Wall can be your best friend or your worst enemy. If someone writes on your wall, you should respond to him. This does not have to be an immediate response, or even via Facebook, but it is just rude to leave your e-pal hanging. Sometimes wall-to-wall contact gets out of hand, though. If you are just going back and forth with your best friend about inside jokes or funny memories, then maybe blitz is a better forum for this online mutual masturbation. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally guilty of this, but I also bite my lip, kill puppies, and smoke – all things that I am not proud of, but still do. The exception to the rule of replying to wall posts is your birthday. People will crawl out of the woodwork to wish their “friends” happy birthday via Facebook as an excuse for years of long lost conversation, and you are not obligated to thank every person who shoots you a “Bon Anniversaire.”

A nuanced point of Facebook netiquette involves the developments and complications that were introduced with The Album. Once the floodgates were opened and people no longer had to choose just one picture to display on Facebook, a whole slew of new problems presented themselves. First, tagging. On one end, some people indiscriminately tag everyone in every picture on Facebook, and on the other end, some people post pictures without tagging anyone at all. Though it is a real gem when you find an embarrassing untagged picture of one of your friends with a Sharpied penis on his face in someone’s album, I can’t knock tagging altogether. Most people generally don’t want pictures of themselves making out with randos in a frat basement tagged to them, so don’t tag your friends to pictures of them doing that, either. Golden rule, people, golden rule.

Another faux pas is the “oh my god my friends and I are soooo hot and soooo ragey and totally fun” album. You know those girls. They come in convenient six-packs with their fruity mixed drinks and totally cute tops that look more like glorified lingerie. You don’t have to actually be hot and/or popular to commit this faux pas, you just have to believe that you are those things and want to show the world. All-too-common pictures in this album are the “pre-shot,” “mid-shot,” and “post-shot” group pictures, and rolls and rolls of pictures of girls making “the face.” You know the face. The “Oh my god is that caaaam¬mmmerraaa?!?!! I am SO surprised that I have to open my eyes really wide and open my mouth as if I wasn’t expecting you to take that picture for the whole fifteen seconds I actually had to pose while you took it!!!” face.

Perhaps the strangest function of Facebook is the “poking feature.” I am a huge fan of poking close friends. My close friends are huge fans of poking. The word “poke” is vaguely sexual, and altogether uncomfortable. I would refrain from poking the following people: past hook-ups, potential hook-ups, and borderline friends (remember Phi Delt crushing-beer-cans-on-your-head-night friends?). Other than that...poke away. Poke your good friends, poke your teammates, hey...poke me!

Lastly, don’t blog on Facebook. What else is there to say about that?

In the end, what else is Facebook but a medium through which to express who you are to a community of people who are sharing the same Dartmouth experience? So, I say post away! If you never really got over that crush on Zach Hanson, let it ring, and if sometimes you like to watch 7th Heaven, or listen to Coldplay, or play too much spider solitaire then let the world know it! Love gossip magazines? So do I! Tell me about it! But like Marcus Aurelius said, according to google.com, “Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst.” (Though maybe it is for the best to keep your obsession with Paris Hilton out of the public eye.) As a charitable expert in the field of Facebook Sociology, I’m willing to lead by example. Facebook me.