If you were following the news a couple of months ago, you may remember the revelation in the news media that our president actually reads. Well, at least during this past summer. In a press conference, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow revealed that Bush had been reading Camus’s The Stranger, which is ironically a tale of a white man who kills an Arab man without any remorse. While you laugh at the thought of Bush having a serious discussion on the origins of existentialism with Snow, I wonder what other books might be lining his night stand. Bush’s intellectual capacity has long been a source of debate and humor among, well, everybody—one of my favorite pieces on the subject is the Onion article “Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil’s Minor Works” (April 18, 2001). In any case, I decided to compose a reading list for our busy president. The nine books I have chosen vary greatly in content and tone, but I believe they are all equally important and relevant to Bush’s presidency.

Here are the books, in no particular order:

1. America (The Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction by Jon Stewart and the Daily Show writers

This raunchy book is sure to arouse the interest of the president. It has something for everyone: revisionist history, open-ended discussion questions (“Would you rather be a king or a slave? Why or why not”), naked Supreme Court justices, and even a foreword by “Thomas Jefferson.” Bush should be able to relate to Stewart’s irreverent humor, having been a bit of a prankster himself back in his day. Of course there are some sharp jabs at Bush himself, but I’m hoping that the sarcasm will go over the president’s head. Besides, it’s the only known publication to show the late William Rehnquist in all his nude glory.

2. Public Speaking for Dummies by Malcolm Kushner

This is perhaps the most helpful recommendation on this list. We are all familiar with the president’s many “Bushisms.” For a president, he’s not very good at talking to large groups of people, which can be a problem when you’re giving, you know, speeches and stuff. This book should help the man out. Maybe he’ll finally be able to deliver a completely gaffeless speech. I haven’t read the book, but I’m hoping it has a section on not making up words or on not getting too imaginative with English grammar (read: regime change of English grammar).

3. The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss

A joy for all ages to read, this timeless classic should be on every reading list. President Bush may get a little extra out of it, however, as he may be able to relate to the title character. This story, published in 1957, can be read as an allegory for our current situation in Iraq. The Cat in the Hat bursts uninvited into the house of these two kids whose parents aren’t in. Much to the dismay of the kids, he unleashes Thing 1 and Thing 2 who go on to create the most terrible mess. This is, of course, not unlike the administration’s actions in Iraq. There are two main differences between the two, however: 1) the Cat in the Hat wears a hat, while Bush generally does not, and 2) the Cat in the Hat cleaned up after himself, whereas we’re still waiting for the mess in Iraq to be cleaned up. The president will no doubt find this easy-to-read yet entertaining book to be both fun and educational. Bush could really learn a cleaning lesson from this cat. And he should wear a hat. I wonder what he’ll think of that.

4. A History of the Arab Peoples by Albert Hourani

While I am no expert on the history of the Arab peoples, President Bush, whose entire presidency is practically defined by events in the Middle East, should probably have a better grasp of the subject matter than I do. This book may introduce him to some new concepts—the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, for instance, or the history of the rise of radical Islamism, or the colonization of the Middle East by European powers. He might even learn some geography – for example, that Iran is about four times larger than Iraq. Or that the two countries share a border. The knowledge gained from this book will undoubtedly aid him in the War on Terror and maybe even in future wars on other abstract nouns.

5. Beloved by Toni Morrison

To tell you the truth, I hate this book; but if I had to read through 300 pages of annoying ghosts and dead babies, I think the president should have to as well. Besides, this book is on Laura Bush’s list of recommended readings on the official White House website. He will have gained a great deal of my sympathy after he has read this book. And he might even get a coveted “Oprah” appearance out of it.

6. De l’esprit des lois by Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu

Now I know what you’re thinking—there’s no way that George Bush would ever read a book written by a Frenchman (maybe he won’t notice). It’s a tough sell, but if you give it to him as “The Spirit of the Laws by Montesquieu”, or better yet just “by Charlie”, he may bite. This political theory book was one of the most influential works in shaping the American government. It covers such topics as the separation of powers into three branches and a system of checks and balances to prevent any one branch from gaining too much power. Maybe Bush will finally understand what all those pesky congressmen and judges are whining about. It also discusses how the government of a country should reflect the nature of the people (the above mentioned A History of the Arab Peoples should give the president a better insight into the nature of, say, the Iraqi people). Theoretically the President of the United States should already know all of this, but I feel that Bush may need a little review. Or a crash course.

7. Impostor: How George W. Bush Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy by Bruce Bartlett

As it stands, this book is probably the hardest sell on this list, mainly because the title is openly critical of the president. Therefore I suggest giving him a copy of the book with all instances of the title blacked out (tell him the CIA censored it because it’s too sensitive). The name of the author should be left visible though, as after all, Bruce Bartlett was a senior advisor to Bush’s presidential idol, Ronald Reagan, and later a treasury official under his own father’s administration. Bartlett presents the view that George W. is not the conservative that his father and Reagan were. He argues that Bush’s economic policies run contrary to the supply-side policies that he helped develop. Bartlett may be the Bush critic with the best chances of getting through to him (though I thought Stephen Colbert came pretty damn close at the White House Press Corps Dinner).

8. Heather Has Two Mommies by Lesléa Newman

This is exactly what the title suggests. It is a sweet little tale of a girl named Heather with two lesbian mothers. The main message of the book is that the most important thing in a good family is a love shared for each other by every member. The obvious sticking point is the title and the subject of the book, but on the plus side, it’s a picture book, which may just be simple enough to entice the president into reading it. This is also one of the most banned books in the US, which I consider a badge of honor.

9. The Voyage of the Beagle by Charles Darwin

This is one of the seminal works on evolution that helped make evolutionary theory mainstream in both the scientific community and the general public. Darwin was not the first to come up with the theory of evolution, but he developed the concept of natural selection, a phrase he coined in his later and more famous Origin of Species. His studies and observations recorded in this book, however, were hugely influential in the subsequent development of evolutionary theory. The president, a vocal supporter of teaching “intelligent design” in schools, may resist reading this at first, but once he discovers that a large part of it is in fact a gripping yarn detailing the exciting voyages of a ship called the HMS Beagle (a la Snoopy), he may get pulled into it. It’s hard to resist Snoopy and his maritime brethren.

I submit these books to the president in all humility for his leisure and education. If any of you know him (anyone from the D.C. area?) I urge you to persuade him to check out the books listed above. Please do not take offense from this list; I intend no insult. These are merely the suggestions of a concerned citizen, looking out for the well-being of both the president and the country. It was Albert Camus who said “After all manner of professors have done their best for us, the place we are to get knowledge is in books. The true university of these days is a collection of books.” I only hope the president will heed the wisdom of Camus once again.