On Friday, September 29, the Green saw something no man needed to see. At some time between 12:15 and 12:20 AM, an unidentified individual ran across the Green shouting “Vote Nate Mathis for President!” His message was corroborated by the fact that not only was the individual unclothed, he also had paint on his buttocks in the form of “N-A” on one cheek and “T-E” on the other.

I went to talk to Mr. Mathis ’10 to question whether or not he was the indecent individual. He assured me that he was in his room reading Testimony: the Memoirs of Dmitri Shostakovich, the summer reading book for all the ‘10s. His roommate confirmed the alibi, although he also said Nate was really playing Fifa on his Playstation for hours on end and probably only read the cover of Solomon Volkov’s literary masterpiece. Thus, we are left to ponder how a nude man with a political message on his derriere could be motivated to perform such a seemingly lewd act to help get his candidate elected. “I guess I just have a really big fan,” Nate said. “I would like to meet this man some day. Hopefully he will be wearing clothes if I meet him.”

The streaker in question has yet to be found. He was last seen heading towards East Wheelock, which is an important fact because it likely means the naked runner was sober at the time of his sprint. While most details of his identity remain swathed in mystery, there was no question, not only by streaker’s words, but also by the letters on his ass, whom he supports in the coming election.

Nate Mathis is running (not naked) for President of the Class of 2010. He is an affable man with a sense of humor and many supporters. In fact, one of them started a Facebook group, now allowing Nate to be worshipped alongside Professor Pulju, Connecticut, Public School, 1st Floor Brown 4Eva WOOOO, and Beirut (come on now, ‘10s). He certainly couldn’t help but laugh about his biggest supporter. “I couldn’t imagine running through the green naked. At least as a guy. C’mon, it’s cold up here in New Hampshire. Do you really want people to think that about you? Maybe if it were a little warmer…”

With the charisma of Mussolini and the compassion of Mother Theresa, Nate makes for a perfect candidate. There can be no questions about his dedication to the job, if elected. In fact, he planned on playing soccer here at Dartmouth but, upon finding out he could service the community by means other than playing with balls for hours on end, he decided to run for the important position. “I figure I should do what I can to help the community. Dartmouth has already given me so much. Like a sinus infection.”
I asked him about his political platform.

“Think of everything sweet that you would want someone to do. Well, I’ll try to do it.”

While the platform is not as clear-cut as the platform of the “kill-Iraqi” Republicans and “kill-baby” Democrats, Nate certainly does not strip away his supporters with extremist views. In fact, the most extreme goal he has for this year is to beat his UGA at a game of pong. The fact that his UGA is a pong master does not scare him. “If you set your mind to something, you can do anything. That’s what my mom told me back when I wanted to grow up to be Oscar the Grouch.”

As for the votes, it seems as though Nate will be getting quite a few votes come ballot time. His Facebook group already has 59 supporters at Dartmouth and, according to Google.com, Nate has 358,000 supporters worldwide—and that’s just among people named either “Nate” or “Mathis”! Such political support for a freshman candidate has not been seen in this reporter’s memory, especially support from the streaker contingent. The fact that a man would shed his clothes and his dignity, allow someone else to write a message on his body, and run through the most public part of campus shows true dedication. It bodes well for Nate’s campaign. If Nate is able to motivate any of his other supporters in the same way he motivated the unknown streaker, he certainly would be a popular choice for President. Let’s just hope that, come election time, ‘10s decide to cast votes rather than cast off clothes.