We Dartmouth students pride ourselves on our rebel status, many of us committing two or three trees’ worth of misdemeanors on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights. A little lawlessness warms our blood during the long winters and keeps us from buckling under stress during hard (economic or academic) times. But how unruly are we, really? Pong (binge drinking to get drunk), booting and rallying (alcoholic bulimia), and the Salty Dog Rag (Hanover’s equivalent to square dancing) may be traditions unique to Dartmouth, but they are enduring traditions nonetheless, and none of them would ever pass for couth in genteel society. But what would happen if we engaged in real hard-hitting anarchy and tried to rise up in the face of even our own conventions? Or tried to free ourselves from the power of conformity?

If you’re of an inquisitive nature and a hearty spirit, stop watching Lost, Entourage, or Grey’s Anatomy and follow these ten simple steps to achieving mayhem and campus domination:

1. Dye the Green blue. “The Green” is both the center of campus and the embodiment of the Dartmouth identity: outdoorsy, peaceful, beautiful and fun. Where will people meet after this? How will they refer to buildings to ‘10s when giving directions? Would the homecoming bonfire burn up the entire highly-flammable paint field? Would anyone ever be able to complete the Dartmouth Seven again?

2. Play Beirut instead of pong. Pong, of course, is the Dartmouth pastime and a great source of pride to alums and students alike. The legend holds that if more than four games of Beirut are playing simultaneously on campus, a gaping chasm will tear open the Green (/Blue) and spew out fiery sulfuric devastation to rain down upon the Upper Valley, as the wailing of Eleazar Wheelock’s tormented soul rends the air. Try it with your friends!

3. Next time, you hear the Salty Dog Rag, do your friends a favor and a striptease - just don’t compete for the speed record.

4. All girls, please report to the Psi U basement and drop trow. Frats in particular are often identified as male-dominated spaces… a brotherhood being the focal point of a frat might have something to do with it, but I’m just guessing. That aside, a brother emptying his own leaky pipe in a corner of Psi U’s basement is just another endearing feature of the Dartmouth campus on any given night. But to assert our presence and make frats gender-neutral social scenes we ladies need to make our own mark!

5. Auditions held next Thursday! Come try out for Dartmouth’s newest a Capella group: the Soilties. Dartmouth has a long history of performing arts, especially a capella, but why should those of us without talent be discriminated against?

6. Live off campus in your double-wide hitched trailer; then tell your friends and start a trend. Not only is this an excellent way to defy expectations of Dartmouth students across the board, but your double-wide will be cheaper to lease than a dorm room, portable, and not subject to S&S searches. Furthermore, by the laws of supply and demand, Dartmouth could be forced to lower the prices of dorm rooms for the rest of us.

7. Always dress in flair, even (certainly, in fact) when sober during daylight hours. Or drag. Bordello drag.

8. Stop showering, and greet people by unreservedly hugging them.

9. If at any time you are Parkhursted for the above shenanigans, remain on campus (in disguise of course) and teach a Miniversity class on stealth.

10. Come to anarchy meetings. They have no set time, or scheduled meeting place because, frankly, that would be silly.

Together, we can make a new Bizarro Dartmouth, where all the ‘shmobs are, uh, actual mobs, and all the ‘tails are Molotov!