On a cold, blistery Friday night, a couple freshman residents of Bissell decided to steal a Tri-Kap blitz, change a few of the words, and create a column-clad invitation for a massive sleepover. After sending the blitz to as many freshmen as possible, talking loudly about it at that Friday’s hockey game, and then sending out the blitz to many of the same freshmen again, the slumber party hosts returned to their dorm to discover that their non-alcoholic sleepover party was going to be busted by S&S. Why, you might ask, would S&S have trouble with the innocent fun of a pajama party? Because, apparently, a great mass of humans in one dorm creates a fire hazard.

Mitch Hedberg was right when he said that it’s hard to believe that anything that’s flammable and has legs is a fire hazard. Sure, Bissell has had four fire-alarms in the first five weeks of school, and we did have one trashcan fire. The likelihood that another burnt popcorn bag would alarm S&S was pretty high. It also may not have helped that many residents have slept through a majority of the alarms this year. Even so, doesn’t it make more sense to have non-residents in our dorm in the case of a fire? Non-residents don’t know that it’s just another popcorn bag that’s setting off the alarm. They might think that our trashcan has spontaneously combusted again, thus putting our entire dorm, or at least bathroom, at risk. Isn’t it more beneficial for them to rouse the residents’ weary souls from their bed rather than have this so-called “fire hazard” out of the building and unable to get us out safely?

There certainly must be some sort of ulterior motives at play. Maybe the administration is trying to crack down on the most-picked-up class ever. Maybe they fear that, at a sleepover of such a magnitude, they might have to Good Sam the entire building. Maybe they are just jealous because they never thought of stealing a Tri-Kap blitz. Regardless, stupidly conceived fire hazards inhibit our natural right to sleep in whomever’s room we choose. If I want to sleep with a girl, I have the freedom to sleep in her room and in her bed. After all, consensual sex is hot. What’s wrong if one hundred people want to sleep in the rooms of the people in my hall? Does that mean that I can’t throw a one person orgy for all interested parties in my room? Where does this cut-off?

The truth remains that Bissell residents found their natural human rights violated, and no one cared. Amnesty International looked the other way. Paul Hodes did too. What was the point of signing the Declaration of the Rights of Man in 1789 if the document just changed explicit crimes into implicit crimes hidden behind such expressions as “fire hazards”? Our freedom might not have been as violated if we were given an acceptable number of guests for our party, but instead we were told that S&S would be stationed on our floor in the wee hours of the morning. You’d think they’d have better things to do than check out a bunch of freshmen and freshwomen in their PJ’s. Apparently not.

In conclusion, watch out if you throw pajama parties. Apparently you’re just one step away from burning down with your dorm. Also, we should try and regain our freedom. Lastly, if you’re on fire, run. Otherwise, my argument goes to shit.
It’s ridiculous to know that, should we want to alter another Tri-Kap blitz in the future, we could be stopped. It doesn’t matter that we would want to throw a giant squash party. We might start a fire while warming up the ball in the wooden courts, and heaven knows that the second the fire started, we’d just sit still and watch it burn.