Some people might think that drunks are unpredictable. Those who revel in watching the inept inebriates know differently. I, along with the owner of EBA’s and most people with common sense, know that drunk college students flock to food like moths flock to the bug-zappers that lead to their fiery demise. And so, several nights a week at Food Court, an S&S officer stations himself near the cash register while zapping all the drunken moths with an S&S pickup. I’ve been told so far that I shouldn’t worry about S&S, but, after hearing about the two-hundred dollar charge for staying at the four-and-a-half-star hotel called Dick’s House (not counting the fifty dollar surcharge and, you know, getting Parkhursted), I fear the men on their bikes and in their cars as much as any penny-pincher. And I find that having S&S stationed at Food Court near the cashiers is one of the most hypocritical stances this college could take about alcohol.

“Don’t drink, but if you do, alternate drinks, eat food, and be responsible.”

Everyone’s heard this message, whether you got it from SADD in high school, alcoholEDU on your way into college, or that annoying kid who trumpets to the world the merits of his sober lifestyle. First off, let’s be serious. When you’re in a frat basement, alternating drinks means going from liquor to beer, or from Keystone to the occasional, say, Mad Dog. And as for being responsible, we’re college students. Responsibility means making sure we take the pong ball out of the cup before we drink so we don’t choke. As a result, the only thing we really can do to make ourselves safer drinkers is eat between drinks. How can we eat, however, if being rung up at FoCo means possible S&S deportation?

Thus the thinking: Sure, I want chicken nuggets, but I’m not willing to pay 250 dollars for them. So students instead about-face and head back to their frat of choice, right in time for their next game of pong. Even drunk people understand the logic of “fear the person who can get me in trouble,” and if that means choosing between booting or being potentially picked up, no person in any chemically-induced state of mind would ever pick the latter.

What about EBA’s? Surely Food Court isn’t the only place to get food, so why should it matter whether or not S&S is standing there? If students really want food, can’t they just make it come to them? Sure, we can get food if we’re willing to ignore our wallet for some EBA’s, but why entrust ourselves to their shoddy service and inflated prices, especially when the deliveryman won’t correct us if we pull a twenty out of our wallet instead of a ten. And Ivy League or no, forking over fourteen bucks for a pizza when you can buy nugs with fake money at Food Court doesn’t make sense - even when drunk. Food Court is the best place to eat, fill your stomach, and protect both your wallet and your body.

It’s vindictive to think that all late-nighters at Food Court are guilty of irresponsible Internal Possession not of the Fish Fry Special variety, and that any student guilty of underage drinking deserves to get picked up. Kids will drink. It’s a foregone conclusion. A logical approach to safety is what is needed, and, according to the College’s party line, is the key aim of administration policies. Keeping drinkers away from food with S&S officers, however, will not help keep students safe. And really, if they aren’t trying to find people to pick up, why are the officers at Food Court? Why can’t they just go back to riding their bikes around angrily and letting card-less kids into their rooms?

Sure, we have Good Sam. We have seemingly contrived keg rules. We have limited S&S intervention. It seems as though Dartmouth is at least willing to give some ground to acknowledging the drinking habits of most college students; however, something more must be done to ensure those students’ safety. I’m not talking about turning Food Court into a dive bar, where the cacophony of dropped trays will fill the air to replace the bellows of Food Court Larry from previous years. All I request is an S&S presence more reconcilable with the College’s purported safe-drinking goals. Don’t stand by the grill sipping coffee and grilling students. The ones who really need your help would never have made it to Thayer in the first place.