Over the past few hundred years, humans have evolved from monkeys to semimonkeys to humans. And humans have made many other technological inventions during that time, mostly while being humans. Let’s consider the sickest of them all. Benjamin Franklin (likely human, possible semimonkey) invented electricity and bifocals. Alexander Graham Bell invented the bell. Al Gore, the internet. We know these are all pretty sick, but do they even rank in the top 10 inventions of all time? Let’s find out.

Keep in mind that people have different views of the top inventions ever. For example, while I consider the printing press one of the most significant, you consider the Tamagotchi among the most significant. But you are wrong. Here is the authoritative list of the 10 greatest inventions of all time. Don’t kill the messenger.

10) Chopsticks. Who could POSSIBLY think of a more efficient utensil for “fishing” termites out of their Australian mound? It’s almost too easy. Also, they really come in handy when eating sushi.
9) Free hugs. You sluts.
8) The obelisk. Tall, intimidating, and beautiful, like Manute Bol. I don’t know why we love obelisks so much, but they’re everywhere. Adored in Britain, America, and France alike, the Egyptian masterpieces provide a joyous reminder of colonization and tomb-robbing.
7) “The condom is a pretty good invention.” – Student Assembly Vice President Jacqueline Loeb.
6) “The Pill is also pretty good.” – Student Assembly Vice President Jacqueline Loeb.
5) The printing press. With the creation of the printing press in 1964, Johann Gutenberg sent out a message to the world: “Yo, the future is here, snitches.” And with that, nations across the world embraced a new era of media. Imagine life without the press: who would write-out all those fortune cookie papers?
4) The hypotenuse. Developed by Pythagoras—the distance between point A and point B just got a lot shorter.
3) The aqueduct. The Ancient Roman aqueduct revolutionized the art of farming. By allowing water to move efficiently, the aqueduct permitted settlements to distance themselves from water sources and fostered fertile land where it was previously impossible. Aqueducts became architectural monuments and regional sources of pride. Unfortunately, their leaden lining may have contributed to mass psychosis and, ultimately, the downfall of the sweetest empire ever.
2) The one-way mirror. You know – those things in interrogation rooms. Not only do they turn reasonable humans into curious bird-like creatures trying to understand their environments, they also help us satisfy our voyeuristic instinct.
1) Pterodactyl costumes. If you know, you know.

Making a list is one thing—making a physical plant in which every sick invention is utilized is another. Thus, we extend to you a challenge: construct a habitation that includes every item on this list. But do it on the Green; it’ll be amazing. And we will probably get 3 days of use out of it before the Review staff burns it like they did Shantytown.