B-Side Campaign Slogans
-James Blaine, 1884: “Ma, ma where’s my Pa?” – Aside from the weak rhyme scheme, Blaine’s attack on Grover Cleveland’s illegitimate child born in 1874 attempts to make issue of a common and accepted presidential responsibility: fathering our nation.
-Republican Party, 1884: “[Democrats]: the party of rum, Romanism, and rebellion.” – Honestly, any campaign against rum is bound to fail. America loves rum - and pirates a la Johnny Depp.
-Herbert Hoover, 1932: “We are turning the corner.” – Hoover’s campaign slogan during the darkest moment of the Great Depression. Clearly, America decided to go left instead of right at that juncture.
-Dwight Eisenhower, 1952 and 1956: “I like Ike.” / “I still like Ike.” – Forty years previous to the far superior Michael Jordan Nike ad campaign “Be like Mike.” I’m pretty sure Michael Jordan could’ve convinced communist Russia to ball like capitalists better than Eisenhower ever did. And people still like MJ even after the whole Wizards debacle.
-George Wallace, 1972: “Do you want the black block electing your governor?” / “Wake up Alabama! Blacks vow to take over Alabama.” – A-side racism leads to b-side campaign slogans. Additionally, ending two consecutive sentences with Alabama is major weak sauce.

B-Side Campus Hookup Locations
-Frat basement – The sound of pong paddles and the smell of stale beer are not exactly hot.
-Rocky underpass – Neither clearly indoors nor outdoors. You gotta go all the way, whatever direction that may be.
-Bathroom stalls – If you are gonna try it in a cramped space, at least go for an airplane bathroom so you can join the mile high club.
-A rando’s room – Putting a scrunchie or rubber band on the door won’t improve privacy if the person who finds it doesn’t know what it means
-Baker stacks – Lame location that closes at 10 pm on Fridays and Saturdays.
-Dick’s House – The name does not imply the use of a certain part of the male anatomy
-Parkhurst – Not the best way to challenge the administration

B-Side Game Shows
-The Bachelor – Basically Flavor of Love without Flava Flav and girls spitting on each other.
-Where in Time is Carmen San Diego? – They never gave Oregon Trail 2 its own show.
-Blind Date – Every dating show is a blind date. Similar to The Bachelor, Blind Date is just Dismissed without dismissals or Elimidate without elimidations. I’m not even sure there’s a game in this game show.
-Teen Jeopardy – Teens lie somewhere between the intelligence of adults and stupidity of celebrities.
-American Gladiators – This one could go either way, but American Gladiators was basically Guts with adults instead of kids. One is definitely the B-Side of the other. Mike O’Malley (fratty host), Mo (hot British referee), and great time slot (right before Legends of the Hidden Temple) win it for Guts in my mind.
-The $64,000 Question – $64,000??? C’mon. People get $1,000,000 for being smarter than a 5th grader now.

B-Side Celebrity TV Ads
-Paris Hilton for Carl’s Jr. – Paris shows more skin in church.
-Jessica Simpson for Proactiv – the key 18-34 male demographic isn’t looking at her face.
-Burt Reynolds for Miller Lite – Reynolds is the only thing that can make Miller Lite look classy.
-Tiger Woods for Buick – nothing says “married to a Swedish model” like a Buick.
-Floyd Landis for Enron – co-starring Barry Bonds; the ad that should have been.

B-Side Relationship Statuses on Facebook
-Single – Attention, ladies and/or gentlemen! You are on the market! Are you looking for “random play?” Um, hello! It says so right on your profile!
-In a relationship - Lame. You’re in college, play the field.
-In an open relationship – What is open about it, other than your fly? Stop kidding yourself and live a little. This status, under no circumstances, should be used after freshman winter. If you haven’t ended things with your high school sweetheart by that time, you’ve missed your window. Proceed directly to “Engaged.”
-Engaged – She’s pregnant.
-Married – Honestly, this shouldn’t even be an option on Facebook. If you’re letting people know about your marriage through the “News Feed,” your marriage should be over within one year. At which time, ironically, a majority of your friends will find out via the same “News Feed.”
-It’s complicated – You fucked and the sex was not, in fact, that good, but it was better than sex with yourself, and this label sounds better than “desperate.” Or, you dated and the relationship was not that good but the sex was kind of incredible.