Little known fact: All world leaders go to Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center for psychiatric counseling.

Widely known fact: All world leaders are freakin' nuts.

A few days ago, after I set the monkeys of Moore free, I took a quick midnight stroll through DHMC. By my keen detective wits and wild drunken stumbling, I came upon a room! It was not just any room: it was a room grander than the Taj Mahal, more wondrous than the setting sun, and dark enough so I was able to pass out in it. When I finally woke up in this wondrous room, I discovered its common function. I had stumbled into the psychiatric chart room. Naturally, my first reaction was to search for my dignity, but I soon found myself thumbing though the names on the files. Lo and behold, I found some very high profile patients. Now I will share with you a sample of my findings. In order to maintain the utmost standards of doctor-patient confidentiality (accursed HIPAA, you foil me again), I will use discreet nicknames that would make "Dear Abby" proud.

Vlad "The Impaler" Putin (Russian President 2000-2008)

Vlad is a textbook case of a narcissist. This was demonstrated in the very first months of his first term as President, when he placed the 89 sub-federal territories under seven presidentially appointed "plenipotentiary representatives". Vlad's narcissistic tendencies were also seen through his interaction with the Russian media. Although Vlad has shown little tolerance for dissent, he has demonstrated a unique tolerance for kissing random boys on the stomach. In July 2006, Vlad spoke of the need to connect with other people: "People came up and I began talking to them, among them this little boy. He seemed to me very independent, sure of himself and, at the same time, defenceless so to speak: an innocent boy and a very nice little boy... I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act."

Junichiro Koizumi Presley (Japanese Prime Minister 2001-2006)

It is quite apparent that Mr. Presley, as he likes to be called, has dissociative identity disorder (DID), also known as multiple personality disorder. Due to a stifling childhood and overwhelming pressure to follow in the family legacy of public service, young Ichiro turned to the uplifting, yet sinfully gyrating, music of Elvis Presley. Since Ichiro and Elvis were both born on January 8th and it is a widely documented fact that DID is primarily caused by the folding of time-space such that individuals born on the same day seven years apart can exchange personalities, Elvis was a natural candidate.

This clearly explains Ichiro's many public appearances in gold sunglasses and attempts at singing some of Elvis's classics. Ichiro's case of DID also explains his six visits to the Yasukuni Shrine. Because individuals with DID attempt to repress outward appearances of having two personalities, Ichiro's Elvis personality, which did not realize the controversy of visiting the shrine, was simply clarifying that he was truly "Ichiro Koizumi, Prime Minister of Japan," by doing what Elvis would consider a traditionally Japanese thing. Additionally, his contradictory support of Japan's military pacifism and sending troops to Iraq is due to the more proactive philosophy of "Elvis" and pacifist tendencies of Ichiro.

W! (American Bad-Ass 2000-2008)

Classified Information: anyone with possession of this information, knows someone possessing, knows who does not possess, or does not know what said possessor is or is not possessing will be immediately airlifted to Camp Gitmo.

~Cheers, Your Friendly Homeland Security Department

Lil' Kim (Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army, and General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea 1994-Present)

Normal. Well adjusted, with healthy hobbies. Overall sweet dude. Mild lack of self-esteem. Nothing else to report.

President Mahmud Ahmadinejad [Who's to say that's even his real name if President Bush (Ooops, W!) can't pronounce it?]

Mahmud exhibits the telltale signs of a persecutory subtype of a delusional disorder. Individuals diagnosed with this disorder often attempt to seek justice through government institutions or resort to violence in response to imagined persecution or harassment. For many years, Mahmud has had the delusion that the Holocaust is a European myth used to oppress Muslims. Furthermore, Mahmud's repeated appeals to the UN for "rectification" of these wrongs and his interest in nuclear weapons definitively places him within the persecutory subtype.

Colonel Q (Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution, i.e. Libyan Dictator 1969-Present)

The patient has a clearly manifested Oedipus Complex. This is most evident in his "Amazonian Guard," the patient's elite all-women team of at least 200 personal body guards. The patient is attempting to recreate the libinal investment of his mother by surrounding himself with hundreds of women, whose job is to protect him. The Amazonian Guard are entrusted with nurturing the patient. Furthermore, he figuratively eliminates a paternal rival by allowing himself to be protected by only women.