Dear Sirs,

I would like to congratulate your bartender, Martin, for a truly first-class evening at the bar. Allow me a moment to point out a few things in particular that ought to be commended:

I had ordered a ginger beer and was, through no fault of Martin’s, given a rather warm glass. As I do not normally take ice in my drink, I politely asked for a cooler glass. This was a foolish request, and Martin (quite rightly, so I reckon) declined it. His response: “Aye right” (1), “Away ye go” (2), “There's nothing wrong with the glass” (3), “Put some ice in it, that will cool it down” (4), “At least you know it's been washed” (5), rolls eyes (6), mutters under breath (7).

I feel that his response perfectly captures the ethos I've come to know and love at bars. So I'll elaborate:

(1) “Aye right.” This shows confidence, and I like that. It shows Martin's ability to think for himself. Some may argue that Martin may have gotten a bit trigger happy in the old “thinking for himself” department, but not me. I like to know where I stand.

(2) “Away ye go.” Again, many customers may have taken offense, felt a little insulted, and perhaps even wondered why they had brought their custom there in the first place. Not me. Martin's a man who knows what he's all about, and I like that.

(3) “There's nothing wrong with the glass.” Further confidence, independent thinking, etc.

(4a) “Put some ice in it.” Here, Martin demonstrates the ability to problem-solve quickly and efficiently. Some may have taken issue with the combination of ice and a warm glass (especially if they, like I, normally dislike ice). But not me. Martin's a man who knows how to take control of a situation, and I like that.

(4b) “That will cool it down.” Martin clearly has an excellent grasp of chemistry – particularly in matters concerning the three states of solid, liquid, and gas. Solids appear to be his particular speciality. Martin is a man of many talents, and I like that.

(5) “At least you know it's been washed.” It’s always reassuring to know that your bartender knows how to wash a glass. Martin wasn't taking any chances, and I was pleased to be informed of this.

(6) Eye rolling. Martin let me know who was boss. He’s the type of stand-up guy who’s both direct and forthcoming. I like that.

(7) Muttering. Having bar experience myself, I understand the pressures that employees like Martin are under, and I was touched that Martin found a way to keep whatever he had to say to himself. Clearly, he wanted to avoid going that little step too far and hurting my feelings. He's the caring sort, and I like that.

It is with hindsight that I am able to truly appreciate the merits of Martin's innovative style. At the time, however, I found myself discussing with a friend the possibility that Martin's attitude could be taken by some to indicate that he was, and I quote here, a “cheeky bastard.” Martin overheard this conversation, and, by God, he was pretty miffed.

He asked me to repeat what I had said, and, out of courtesy and respect for one of your best employees, I repeated myself. Martin was not pleased. He asked me to stop using expletives. I can understand that. He's a sensitive soul. But it was only with hindsight that I realized the genius of Martin's customer service technique, so at this stage, I must confess that I asked him to stop being a "cheeky bastard.” Martin, being a man that knows the score, would not have any of it, and asked that I refrain from speaking to him in such a manner.

I would like to hold my hands up and say that it is a curse of genius that those who possess it are misunderstood. I am sorry that I misunderstood Martin.

He then asked if I was dissatisfied with the service. (Martin doesn't leave anything to chance – he knows the score yet leaves no stone uncovered.) At this point, having not fully appreciated Martin's unusual methods, I replied that it was rather obvious that I was somewhat unhappy with the service. Nor was I happy that the bartender was acting like, and I quote myself, “a dick.” Here, I was premature. Martin is a man who laughs in the face of the obvious, plays by his own rules, and doesn't let common sense stand in the way of seeking truth.

I subsequently left your establishment, having mistaken Martin's style as that of a man with limited social skills. I now see that Martin had my best interests in mind. As it happens, I am training for wrestling and therefore watching my waistline so as to not exceed my weight class. Thanks to Martin, I consumed 700 fewer calories than I would have on a normal day. If I were to visit your bar every Saturday, it would account for approximately 36,400 calories a year. That's about 15 days worth of calories. But thanks to Martin, I can effectively cut my annual caloric intake by over 4.1%. I am sure that with Martin's help, I will be in prime condition to wrestle.

My comments, of course, cannot do justice to Martin's credentials. But I trust that Martin's extraordinary skills in the field of bar work will not go unnoticed, and that Martin will have a long and illustrious career in hospitality.

Thank you again for an unforgettable experience.

Kind regards,
Delos Chang