...trade your kid!

Desperate Dad, 24, tried to trade his 3-month-old for two 40’s outside of a convenience store. I have a few questions:

1. Was he after Magnum or Olde English? I need to know if he’s a true malt liquor connoisseur, or just looking to play a little Edward 40-hands. (Magnum, according to a highly-regarded source, “is gay...tastes like complete ass,” whereas Olde English is “pure clasicness." But of course you all already knew that.)

2. What about the OJ? I mean, 40s are obviously delicious when savored by themselves, but if you’re committed to giving up your child why wouldn’t you go big and spoil yourself with a brass monkey?

3. Where was Mom? Oh, she’s just inside buying cigarettes. So Mom gets to have her nicotine fix while Dad’s alcoholism is left out in the cold. No wonder he...

Seriously, it’s actually pretty concerning that this type of thing could happen. But what’s the problem here? Do we need more free condoms? Have we reached a point in society where, ala OctoMom, we need to start questioning whether people are sorely unqualified to be parents? Thank goodness there are child protective services to remove this baby from her parents’ custody - but at barely 3 months are her chances for a successful upbringing already shot?