Every month, TDI surveys the Ivy League for the most groundbreaking developments. 

Harvard:

Groundbreaking Harvard Crimson investigation finds that “Americans’ concerns about catching the H1N1 swine flu have decreased substantially over the past week.” Crimson reports, “Student show explores gendered conceptions of textiles,” Around the Ivy League checks to see if article was written in 1724. Women’s golf team gets 19^th at regionals, can’t remember who they beat.

Brown:

Brown Daily Herald notes a Forbes study calling “Providence a tough place to live”; unclear how heavily Forbes weighted “Overall Suckiness” in its calculations; unclear whether Forbes used rankings from RateMyShittyCity.com. One Herald article begins: “As Veronica spread her vaginal lips, Win Bennett '09 and his six male friends watched intently”; Around the Ivy League promptly converts to Catholicism.

Yale:

The Decemberists provide organizers of Spring Fling with “itemized list of 77 requests for their dressing room”; unclear whether it included “Skull of Geronimo.” New Haven Police Department acquires Tasers, John Kerry hasn’t been seen on campus since. University Vice President Linda Lorimer tells Yale Daily News she’s glad that the flu outbreak is swine, not bird related; secretary in public relations department rolls eyes and forwards Lorimer a Wikipedia link. Daily News article “Faculty to discuss minors” unfortunately makes no mention of Nabokov. Daily News asks, “Does Board Size Matter?” Around the Ivy League doesn’t even want to go there.

Penn:

University President Amy Guttman writes a college essay for the Wall Street Journal, in which she kind of takes credit for inventing deliberative democracy; Penn gossip blog Under the Button correctly points out that it is boring as shit.

Cornell:

Cornell Daily Sun reports, “President David Skorton announced yesterday that the University will be giving China back a collection of rare fungi that was originally smuggled to Cornell nearly 70 years ago”; Skorton was apparently afraid of being branded an “International Fungus Smuggler.” Cornell refers to itself as “The Hottest Hip Hop Ivy”; people collectively react, “Uh, yeah, no.” Student Assembly makes announcement that the Pussycat Dolls and Asher Roth will headline spring concert; even Dartmouth Programming Board laughs. Cornell Daily Sun reports “Baseball Squad Falls One Game Short of Capturing Ivy League Title”; Dartmouth also laughs.

Princeton:

Partners with Amazon for Kindle DX pilot program, prompting the director of the program to emphasize “that the other schools partnering with Amazon were more focused on providing students with textbooks on the e-readers rather than reducing paper use on campus.” Around the Ivy League fails to understand the difference, but nonetheless appreciates the rare opportunity to see Princetonians argue, “Even though it makes no sense, we are better than you.”

Columbia:

A capella group Columbia Kingsmen advertise their show with flyer that says, “Consent is not sexy, but it might help you stay out of jail”; Columbia Spectator wags finger, warning, “Consent not being sexy could be interpreted to suggest that non-consent (rape) is sexy.” Two most recent comments on Spectator website (at press time): “Akiva, So great to see your work on line. Love your aunt, Debbie Hager-Katz” and “AKIVA, GREAT TO READ ALL OF YOUR GREAT STORIES. HOPE YOU ARE DOING WELL, LOVE YOUR AUNT DEBBIE HAGER-KATZ.”